On Monday night I decided to treat myself to a couple of guilty pleasures. An early evening in clean bedsheets, a pack of strawberry Twizzlers and good old reality television. I wanted to be daring though, while indulging in some favorites, so I tried something new: I downloaded and plowed through 5 episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Just, one after the other. Until well past midnight.
Now, let me tell you what you better redneck-ognize here, any reality show that starts off every episode with a fart is going to suck you in and give you nowhere to run. And that’s pretty much what happened. After I got over how horrified I was by … everything … I just couldn’t stop. So I decided to make some use out of my doomed evening and started jotting down notes on post-its. Lessons Learned From Honey Boo Boo Child.
Honestly, if there has ever been a more confident 6 year old, it was probably me and that was a long time ago. This girl is just RIDICULOUS. And I mean really, when your Mama’s 300 pounds and feeds you cheesies for breakfast and you call your Daddy Sugar Bear, I guess the stars align in such a way that you’re going to turn out to be larger than life. And she is that. But amongst all of the bodily functions and sweat-stained track pants and cheesy balls ground into the carpets, this girl has some pretty valuable information tucked up her sleeve. And because I would never ask you to sit down and waste three hours watching 5 episodes like I did, I’m just going to share them with you.
Put a little paint on the barn
In theory, I’ve realized that this saying means “to put on makeup” but it seems to me that it’s a lifestyle choice for the ladies of this show. Apparently, they take pride in how they look. I personally think you should take pride in how you act before you start painting barns, but hey – if you can only have one and you’ve already made your choice – go forth! Paint!
When you lose, you still good
Let’s face it. As hard as we try, we can’t be number one all the time. But that doesn’t mean we’re worthless! As Honey Boo Boo says “I know that I’m still good, yup, when you lose, you still good”. And that my friends is something we need to start taking into consideration more often. We can’t all be Miss America (some of us aren’t even American) but we’re still beautiful. Still smart. We can still play Beyonce songs on the French Horn. Whatever your poison, baby you still got it.
Homemade presents are the best
I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that toilet papering your parents house for their anniversary is probably not the best example of this, but she’s got a point. Homemade presents ARE the best. Bonus: their free.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes
“and my size is C-UTE!” MMhm. True that. Amen sister. Honey Boo Boo Child for President.
Glitzy is loud
I have always wanted an apartment pig. It doesn’t even need to be one of those 1500$ teacup pigs, I’d be happy to have a 300 pound potbelly pig in my home. I just want it as a pet and I want to name it Souffle and I want it to snort around and just be cute and big and loveable. Here’s what I didn’t know: HOLY FUCK, PIG, SHUT UP! They are LOUD. Therefore, I should never have a pig while I live in an apartment. A mistake I surely would have made if it were not for Honey Boo Boo. In theory then, I have her to thank for not getting evicted and becoming homeless.
So there you go. Three whole hours spent wrapped up in some sort of redneck jambalaya and out I come smelling like Georgia mud and fresh new perspective. Paint your barn if you want to feel “Shexay”, don’t be hard on yourself if you lose, home-make your presents when you’re poor and don’t buy a pig until you have deaf neighbors and ear plugs. Thank you TLC. (By the way, have you considered re-building the acronym for your network? I’ve been thinking something along the lines of… FML)
xo & yw picture credit here