Dear “Guy with the name that rhymes with Hogstand”,
Listen here. I’m not really a fan of meeting guys in bars as it is, but I go out of my way to not be one of those girls that slams you when you make bad jokes and use bad pick up lines and dance too close even though all I want is for you to fall over and break all your bones. I try to be nice: “No thank you.” “I have a boyfriend, sorry.” “I’m a lesbian.” When I am interested, I try my best to not be one of those girls. I talk about what you want to talk about, I offer to buy you a drink (or at least pay for my own) and I resist the urge to give you those drunk Audrina Patridge eyes. I put on a show for your friends so that they think you’ve gotten the best one of the night and I try my hardest to not spend the entire time we’re together “looking for my girlfriend.” If I’m going to “go to the washroom” and not come back, I’m going to tell you, hey, Hogstand, I’m sorry, I’m not in the mood for this rodeo tonight. It’s Common Club Decency; CCD.
But you know what, Hogstand, I was in the mood for that rodeo and you ruined it. Not necessarily for yourself, because I couldn’t have really cared less about you, but for all the other men in the bar who could have benefited from a girl in a short skirt showing them a little respect instead of the classic “listen, are you like… going to buy us a drink or not?” I had a hot friend for your hot friend and she wasn’t messy. We talked about the Anaheim game and the starting line ups. We were drinking Budweiser and wouldn’t let you buy us other ones. We made legitimate and witty jokes – maybe even a pun or two – that had you slapping your knees. We were wearing four inch heels and ten inch skirts and yet at the same time told you we were going to church in the morning (this was completely true and was our honest reason for not letting you buy us more beer *note to self, probably shouldn’t use this line on a regular basis*) & then you, Hogstand, after scaring off all the other eligible bachelors from our table and wasting an hour of our time decided to “go get another drink” and never come back.
Well, Hogstand, guess what? This was suspect. Two classy yet slightly skankily-dressed girls who drink beer and talk about hockey don’t get ditched at the bar by two boring and only slightly decent looking men (resentment). So, because I was a little offended and also because you have such a ridiculous first name and showed me your ID to prove it, I learned some things about you with my super-creepy-journalist-ninja-may have paid off a cop- facebook-stalking-skills (oh, like you wouldn’t do the same thing!) YOU have a girlfriend.
Hogstand, I’d like to take this opportunity to give you one simple lesson in CCD. I don’t care if you have a girlfriend or not. I don’t judge your idea of monogamy and I don’t particularly think there is anything wrong with a little bar flirtation… but if you are in the club and you have a girlfriend and don’t intend to cheat on her please do not do the following:
Cock block other bitches. It’s CCD.
The girl in the pink skirt who’s only weekend man-action was with Jesus.
xo & yw & please, use common club decency