Things kind of came together for me this week. As always, they came together only after falling apart (and I mean the entire tapestry unwound itself thread-bare), but such is life, and such is time to weave a new tapestry I suppose. I’d love to tell you I have everything figured out, but the truth is, ‘coming together’ doesn’t mean ‘complete’ it just means… Mom’s happy with the recent decisions I’ve made. Recent as in as of yesterday.
Yes, you guessed it. I dragged my butt out of bed yesterday morning, crawled over a passed out person (or three? What even happened?) put on a skirt and went to church.
“What church are you going to?” asked my roommate. “I think St. Paul’s. I haven’t been back there in ten years.” “You should go to science class” said one of the passed out bodies. Ah, good old Sunday morning jab. Needless to say, I went alone.
I was greeted with a hug and a welcome home from a woman who I recognized but did not remember (it has been ten years, after all) and found myself a seat in the back pew. I didn’t open the book of Alternative Services once - when my Dad was the Dean of this Cathedral he taught me well - I still had every word memorized (even though I left the Anglican church 5 years ago and joined the United Church, which uses a completely different prayer book). I passed the peace with people who knew my name and had my first communion in probably 2 months. Threw my last five dollars in the plate, because I wanted to, not because it’s what I was raised to do.
I walked home under a blue sky and felt things change. Not big things, but little things. A sense of belonging. An overwhelming comfort. The feeling that I wasn’t being tested but that I was being trained. So I sat on the couch and got a little bit of my shit together. As of today, I am registered in full time studies for September with the intentions of banging out the remainder of this English degree (Communications Minor).
“You’re only finishing your BA as another ticket out of here aren’t you?” asked my ex. “I know you. A student visa is easier to obtain than a green card. My bet is you plan on doing your Masters in New York.”
So what if I’m that easy to read. The point is, baby steps are still steps that need to be taken and the future is something that should entice you to take them. Even if it means kissing goodbye a seasonal wardrobe and living in leggings and knits again while I read through the material for a fourth year course titled Literature and the Apocalypse. The future’s bright.
This week, I am thankful for:
Honesty & being able to dish it out when necessary, moving on & fierce realization, reality television that makes me happy and not angry (The Bachelorette – F yes, Jef!) and swapping Old Milwaukie for tea. Iced coffee with almond milk and agave syrup, people who tell it how it is, taking risks and failing, familiar kind eyes, children singing, Full House marathons, cheeseburgers, catching up with old loved ones and people who give a helping hand. Beautiful brides and the happiness of the men that marry them, two bite brownies, picnics in the park, hot days at the dock, champagne in Perrier bottles, Perrier in Perrier bottles and wheels of soft cheese. I am thankful for thunder showers and cooler nights, for prayers and the people that say them, for laughter that is unprecedented and for desire.
This week I will stop filling myself with unnecessary stress and unwanted pollutants. I will drink water (and only water), I will eat lightly (and not out) and I will write every day. I will talk to my Mother every night and make a vision board on one of my empty bedroom walls (even if it makes me look 13 again). I will read next semesters text books (some of them) because it’s never to early to strive for success and I will go a run – more than once. I will remember to spend time by myself and listen to what I need, and not what the majority wants. I will be proud of myself. & I will get a job. Yes. A job.
xo & yw