Canuck Crazy: The REAL reason behind Playoff violence (aka: why you can blame Ryan Kesler for your bloody nose.) a satire.

A Satire

This city has gone Canuck Crazy.  For the first time since 1994 bikini’s and martini’s are strolling through the streets of blue thunder in June-lapping up both sunshine and glorious rays of hope that this could be the year (actually) that we bring home the Stanley Cup.  And amidst all of the Jerseys, the face-paint, the green spandex body suits, the 7-hours-worth-of-drinks bar tabs, the streets filled with 80,000 people, the $700 game tickets, the Roxy stamps on your forearm and the constant dull roar of this insanely powerful and really excited West Coast city in passion there is a completely different phenomenon sweeping Granville street:  people are punching people out.

Now, I’ve done a lot of analyzing surrounding this situation.  Is it the adrenaline?  The fact that everyone is stealing each others thunder?  The 6 pitchers of $9 beer at the Cambie?  Or is it the cause of a massive, 80,000 person migraine caused by the continuous high pitched dinging and ringing of the city’s sold out supply of cowbells?

Nay, Nay my dear readers.  After much thought, I have narrowed it down to this simple, little pea under the mattress:

You!  You with the high school football ring on and your old school Bure jersey.  You, guy outside Cafe Crepe mouthing off 18 year olds.  You, you nasty little prick throwing hot dogs at people who aren’t wearing memorabilia!  I figured you out!  Your girlfriend is obsessed with Ryan Kesler.

The undiluted portion of me that I consider to be my inner feminist screams That is NOT the only reason women watch hockey!  (And women stand up all over Canada and cheer *insert dull roar here*) but you’re no fool.  She paid $130 to sport Kesler’s name on her back and she won’t even confirm you’re in a relationship on Facebook.  Her refrigerator door is littered with photos of her and her ‘single’ friends, that photo of her in a bathing suit taken by Karolina Turek and a picture of Kesler in his own RK17 boxer briefs.  She goes to the Roxy on the regular and comes home with Jager-Bomb fueled photos of her face and Kesler’s playoff beard (it’s a height difference thing) and you just know that this little “celebrity crush” is no fair.

The Canucks are YOUR team.  YOU cheer during the year.  YOU bring home the cases of Budweiser.  YOU spend hours yelling at the calls on television.  YOU invite the people over for game night.  YOU spend the months date night budget on hot dogs and club seats and stupid pink-logo baseball hats and YOU, YOU, YOU were the one who had to battle off the “whyaren’tyouhome yeeeettttt, the game ended houuuuurs ago!!!?!?! :S” text messages so THIS SHOULD BE YOUR TIME.

But no.  Your girlfriend’s obsessed with Ryan Kesler and now you need to share one more thing in addition to the fridge (a lady must have her soy milk), you’re bathroom drawer (make-up removal towelettes and a toothbrush are the minimum necessity), and your dress shirts (because a woman needs something to lounge in when her date dress begins to crinkle).  Now you must share your hockey team.  Your nights out.  Your cases of Bud.  Etcetera.

If you ask me it’s a good reason to be angry.  She’s talking about your sport like she knows something about it.  Like she’s a real fan.  Like she’s going to be there when they lose.  You’re angry.  And seeing as you aren’t going to be able to get your hands on him, I get it.  You want to prove you’re tougher than him.  You want to prove that your playoff beard is better than the real-deal.  You want her to know that your 5’11 frame and your 170 pounds will whoop his 6’2, 202 any day and most importantly, you want her to know that it is not appropriate for her to have a crush on a celebrity who isn’t even a celebrity (and even more so, one that can be found on any given winning game night handing out freaking JAGERBOMBS at a local DIVE BAR!!!!)

It’s no wonder everyone’s all fired up.  A sudo-celebrity is stealing the hearts of all the girls who put up with Vancouver’s douche-bagery-ness on the reg.  Why don’t we just focus on what’s important people! ! Ryan Kesler is not going to steal your girlfriend, and if he does, she’s probably out of your league anyways so cut the antics out and accept the fact that this is not about YOU anymore.  This is about a TEAM!  This is about a CITY!  This is about OUR TIME!!  And this is about the only time when I will EVER shed a DROP of MY attention to the RINGING OF A GODDAMN COWBELL!!!!!

xo & yw